The world lost a bright light in Robin Williams. It hit me personally because he was such a sensitive, creative soul, and so I am.
I could see how the cruel world could drive someone to the brink of giving up on life. I understood what it may feel like to be on a different frequency than others and may even be “before your time.” How confounding that often is for highly sensitive souls. (many of my private clients by the way).
At the same time he exited the stage of life, my younger lover was exiting stage right in my life as well.
These triggers caused me to undergo a search in my soul for what it means for ME to live a happy and fulfilled life.
Deep questions like the Meaning of LIFE help me to chart my course and since I am still in a life transition (divorced for just about 6 months), I am still trying to recreate myself and my life with a new, stronger personal foundation.
For the last couple of weeks, I have been wrestling with my dark side, even having fleeting moments of suicide, which is not like me at all. I had thoughts that I was losing my grip on reality! It was scary at the time, but now I am seeing with new eyes.
All of the emotional turmoil made me wonder if killing myself was my idea or if I was tapping into the collective consciousness – meaning other peoples pain and despair. Did you know that often the thoughts we think are not even ours! (Access Consciousness speaks about this).
It doesn’t really matter, because the temporary existential crisis I seemed to be having allowed me to ask the essential question
“ if I was living the life that my soul intended me to live?”
On one level, I would say yes, I am living true to my soul purpose,
but on the human level, I thought NO, this is not what I had dreamed of myself.
Where is my family? My true love?
My self respect and vacations to Italy?
And more importantly,
Why am I still struggling to try to fit in?
Why in the hell do I feel so utterly alone most of the time?
Is my story of being spiritually attuned another way I am avoiding Life, Intimacy and Love?
Ouch.
The Ego is usually a No by the way— life rarely, if ever, quite measures up to the image in our mind, and yet knowing I was kind of possessed by my own Ego did not slow me down one bit 🙁
Questioning did I go.
Tears streaming and curses wailing.
I allowed myself to be vulnerable and reached out to several friends to tell them I was having some really bad days.
Thankfully, they said, “I will be right over.”
Then I reached across the world to my Scotland Friend on Skype (@Gill Potter) and she gave me a new definition of Destiny: loving/accepting reality as it is and being open to possibility. (this helped a little, but I was still not satisfied).
I was uncomfortable, really uncomfortable. And very raw and vulnerable.
I also had an emergency session with my healer and coach to understand (and hopefully release!) this deep angst.
As it turns out, the darkness had been waiting for me to visit for sometime.
In the past, I wasn’t completely using my light to find my way through the deepest darkness.
Sure I had faced dark times before, but I had never contemplated taking my own life.
But this time, I chose to let myself go there.
I felt the pain and anguish of my unique human condition.
I felt the loneliness.
I felt the disappointment of life not being the way I wanted it to be (right now).
I asked myself how had the time gotten away from me?
How was I going to accept my life as a middle aged woman and not bear a child?
Does that mean I am not a “real woman?”
Am I missing the point of life anyway?
I got really low when I asked if what I was doing in the world was really even making a damn bit of difference?
And then went even lower, with the crappy thought of “who would even miss me?”
These were not easy questions to contemplate, but I knew that my Soul was calling me to do this inner work. I need you to know that I did not come close to acting on any of those fleeting thoughts, instead I held them as lightly as I could and tried my best not to let them take me too far away in the wrong direction……
In the end, I felt like the Phoenix rising out of the ashes.
The SOUL is Infinite and Afraid of Nothing
I reflected on many of the “stars” we have lost over the last few years in particular, Michael Jackson, Whitney Houston, Farrah Fawcett, and others….from a higher perspective, maybe they did exactly the DIVINE WORK they were meant to do. OR What if those who choose to SHINE have a responsibility to reveal more of their dark places so that it may help others?
What could have been different if Robin had been more public about his depression… or maybe Robin left the way he did to help wake us up—to bring awareness to how many suffer in silence? Consider how much press, blog posts, and conversations were sparked because of what he chose to do.
We can not know why he did what he did. But we can look at what there is to learn.
What I had to come to terms with is how will I use my free will to bring more LIFE and LIGHT to this world?
I realized that as a Lightworker, I have to be willing to go into the Dark Places and Spaces and yield my sword of light, love and truth to help my clients see and know their own light and Divinity. I am stronger because I faced my worst fears, and I can have a deeper compassion for people who struggle with this “for real.”
One thing I REMEMBERED from all my years working with people about their “mindsets” and “emotions” is that they change moment by moment.
Think about how from one moment to the next, we can go from anguish to happiness. So, in order to POSSESS personal power could mean to be able to ride the waves of darkness without getting pulled under. But how ?
The way I do that is by “living in the moment'” and getting support when I need it.
That and soul-shifting MUSIC helps me get out of mental ruts!
Another key is when we turn and face the feelings we have been suppressing or avoiding actually allows us to come back
into wholeness and even gives us access to latent spiritual gifts.
To Feel is to be FULLY ALIVE.
So when I was able to FEEL despair and self loathing, I found a new sense of freedom. Ironic.
We spend so much energy saying “NO”–no life is not measuring up to my expectations, no, I’m not enough, no I won’t feel sad, I will just stuff it and guess what? It doesn’t work, it’s actually putting up an energetic wall that is keeping you blocked from receiving more of what you want! (couldn’t resist a little conscious creation coaching here).
Back to a more about what I learned from my dark night of the ego/soul:
I realized that even though many people may have “everything” that life has to offer, (cars, fancy friends, millions in the bank and even being LOVED by the world) they still do not have the SOMETHING to live for that matters most….to them. The whole thing made me wonder if Robin had his something worth living for?
or did he simply complete his mission on the planet?
What I discovered for my own insight was this:
If we base the “something” on people or situations, we are in trouble, because all that we have been given can be taken away in an instant.
If the “something” comes from the depths of our SOUL then I believe that we have a real chance at fulfillment.
Perhaps the “something” is different for each of us?
For surely we cannot judge how people live their lives or where they choose to focus their energy.
And yet, what I have seen is so many people have it backwards: We are loving things and using people instead of using things and loving People.
And that is a fate worse than death in my book.
For me, what I have come to see is that I am not done experiencing life yet—the good, the bad and the ugly.
That I want to give more, be more, do more.
The MORE is what I am here for. To experience more Love, to give more love, share more love.
I want to give love in the work that I do, the people that I meet along the way, especially those I choose to create a life with.
That’s my “something.” I definitely don’t get it right all the time, but it is worth living for.
So, how about you, what is your something to live for?
I invite you to contemplate this question for a moment and capture the truth that arises in your own Soul.
ps
Music lifts my spirits….here is one I play that really makes me feel great about Life.
Founder of Rock Your Destiny.biz, Michelle Casto is on a mission to inspire you to discover the Truth of who you are so you can freely shine your brightest light. Through her Transformational Coaching and Speaking practice, Michelle Casto, aka ” The Goddess of Destiny”, combines a unique formula of spiritual guidance, mindset re-setting techniques with an empathic and intuitive heart to help her clients access the self-love, courage, confidence, and clarity of purpose essential to expressing their True Self.Michelle focuses on the heart of the matter and expertly reveals where you may be deceiving yourself and buying into illusions or outdated belief systems to set your Soul free to Succeed. A prolific author, Michelle’s latest books are Law of Attraction for a Magical Reality, Destined for Love: A Step by Step Guide to Attracting Your Soul Mate & The Destiny Discovery: Find Your Soul’s Path to Success, found on amazon.com and audio version on audible.comDiscover the difference between letting life happen to you and creating your life on purpose. It changes everything!
Visit www.BrightMichelle.com for a free gift to get you headed in the direction of your highest Destiny.
Phoenix image: (image source unknown)